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COLLECTION OF APOPHTHEGMS,

NEW AND OLD.

use.

HIS LORDSHIP'S PREFACE.

JULIUS CÆSAR did write a collection of apophthegms, as appears in an epistle of Cicero; so did Macrobius, a consular man. I need say no more for the worth of a writing of that nature. It is pity Cæsar's book is lost; for I imagine they were collected with judgment and choice; whereas that of Plutarch and Stobæus, and much more the modern ones, draw much of the dregs. Certainly they are of excellent They are mucrones verborum, pointed speeches. "The words of the wise are as goads," saith Solomon. Cicero prettily calleth them salinas, salt-pits, that you may extract salt out of, and sprinkle it where you will. They serve to be interlaced in continued speech. They serve to be recited upon occasion of themselves. They serve if you take out the kernel of them, and make them your own. I have, for my recreation amongst more serious studies, collected some few of them: therein fanning the old; not omitting any because they are vulgar, for many vulgar ones are excellent good; not for the meanness of the person, but because they are dull and flat; and adding many new, that otherwise would have died.

1. QUEEN ELIZABETH, the morrow of her coronation, it being the custom to release prisoners at the inauguration of a prince, went to the chapel; and in the great chamber, one of her courtiers, who was well known to her, either out of his own motion, or by the instigation of a wiser man, presented her with a petition; and before a great number of courtiers, besought her with a loud voice, "That now this good time, there might be four or five principal prisoners more released: those were the four evangelists and the apostle St. Paul, who had been long shut up in an unknown tongue, as it were in prison; so as they could not converse with the common people. The Queen answered very gravely, "That it was best first to inquire of them, whether they would be released or no."

2. Queen Ann Bullen, at the time when she was led to be beheaded in the Tower, called one of the king's privy chamber to her, and said unto him, "Commend me to the king, and tell him, that he hath been ever constant in his course of advancing me: from a private gentlewoman he made me a marchioness, and from a marchioness a queen; and now, that he hath left no higher degree of earthly honour, he intends to crown my innocency with the glory of martyrdom."

3. His majesty James the first, king of Great Britain, having made unto his parliament an excellent and large declaration, concluded thus; "I have now given you a clear mirrour of my mind; use it therefore like a mirrour, and take heed how you let it fall, or how you soil it with your breath."

4. A great officer in France was in danger to have lost his place; but his wife, by her suit and means making, made his peace; whereupon a pleasant fellow said, "That he had been crushed, but that he saved himself upon his horns."

5. His majesty said to his parliament at another time, finding there were some causeless jealousies sown amongst them; "That the king and his people, whereof the parliament is the representative body, were as husband and wife; and therefore that of all other things jealousy was between them most pernicious."

6. His majesty, when he thought his council might note in him some variety in businesses, though indeed he remained constant, would say, "That the sun many times shineth watery; but it is not the sun which causeth it, but some cloud rising betwixt us and the sun: and when that is scattered, the sun is as it was, and comes to his former brightness." 7. His majesty, in his answer to the book of the

*This collection his lordship made out of his memory, without turning any book.-Rawley.

cardinal Evereux, who had in a grave argument of divinity sprinkled many witty ornaments of poesy and humanity, saith; "That these flowers were like blue, and yellow, and red flowers in the corn, which make a pleasant show to those that look on, but they hurt the corn."

8. Sir Edward Coke being vehement against the two provincial councils of Wales, and the north, said to the king; "There was nothing there but a kind of confusion and hotch-potch of justice: one while they were a star-chamber; another while a king's bench; another, a common pleas; another, a commission of oyer and terminer." His majesty answered; "Why, Sir Edward Coke, they be like houses in progress, where I have not, nor can have, such distinct rooms of state, as I have here at Whitehall, or at Hampton-court."

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9. The commissioners of the treasury moved the king, for the relief of his estate, to disafforest some forests of his, explaining themselves of such forests as lay out of the way, not near any of the king's houses, nor in the course of his progress; whereof he should never have use nor pleasure. Why," saith the king," do you think that Solomon had use and pleasure of all his three hundred concubines ?" 10. His majesty, when the committees of both houses of parliament presented unto him the instrument of union of England and Scotland, was merry with them; and amongst other pleasant speeches, showed unto them the laird of Lawreston, a Scotchman, who was the tallest and greatest man that was to be seen, and said, "Well, now we are all one, yet none of you will say but here is one Scotchman greater than any Englishman;" which was an ambiguous speech; but it was thought he meant it of himself.

11. His majesty would say to the lords of his council, when they sat upon any great matter, and came from council in to him, "Well, you have sat, but what have you hatched ?"

12. When the archduke did raise his siege from the Grave, the then secretary came to queen Elizabeth. The queen, having first intelligence thereof, said to the secretary, "Wot you what; The archduke has risen from the Grave." He answered, "What, without the trumpet of the archangel ?" The queen replied, Yes, without the sound of trumpet."

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13. Queen Elizabeth was importuned much by my lord of Essex, to supply divers great offices that had been long void; the queen answered nothing to the matter; but rose up on a sudden, and said, "I am sure my office will not be long void." And yet at that time there was much speech of troubles, and divisions about the crown, to be after her decease; but they all vanished; and king James came in, in a profound peace.

14. The council did make remonstrance unto queen Elizabeth of the continual conspiracies against her life; and namely, that a man was lately taken, who stood ready in a very dangerous and suspicious manner to do the deed: and they showed her the weapon wherewith he thought to have acted it. And therefore they advised her that she should go

less abroad to take the air, weakly attended, as she used. But the queen answered; "That she had rather be dead, than put in custody."

15. The lady Paget, that was very private with queen Elizabeth, declared herself much against the match with Monsieur. After Monsieur's death, the queen took extreme grief, at least as she made show, and kept in within her bed-chamber and one ante-chamber for three weeks space, in token of mourning at last she came forth into the privychamber, and admitted her ladies to have access unto her; and amongst the rest my lady Paget presented herself, and came to her with a smiling countenance. The queen bent her brows, and seemed to be highly displeased, and said to her, "Madam, you are not ignorant of my extreme grief, and do you come to me with a countenance of joy ?" My lady Paget answered, "Alas, if it please your majesty, it is impossible for me to be absent from you three weeks, but that when I see you, I must look cheerfully." "No, no," said the queen, not forgetting her former averseness to the match, 'you have some other conceit in it, tell me plainly." My lady answered, "I must obey you; it is this. I was thinking how happy your majesty was, you married not Monsieur; for seeing you take such thought for his death, being but your friend; if he had been your husband, sure it would have cost you your life."

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16. Henry the Fourth of France his queen was young with child; count Soissons, that had his expectation upon the crown, when it was twice or thrice thought that the queen was with child before, said to some of his friends, "That it was but with a pillow." This had someways come to the king's ear; who kept it till such time as the queen waxed great: then he called the count of Soissons to him, and said, laying his hand upon the queen's belly; "Come, cousin, is this a pillow ?"-The count of Soissons answered, “ Yes, sir, it is a pillow for all France to sleep upon."

17. King Henry the fourth of France was so punctual of his word, after it was once passed, that they called him "The king of the faith."

18. The said king Henry the fourth was moved by his parliament to a war against the protestants: he answered, "Yes, I mean it; I will make every one of you captains; you shall have companies assigned you." The parliament observing whereunto his speech tended, gave over, and deserted his motion.

19. Queen Elizabeth was wont to say, upon the commission of sales, "That the commissioners used her like strawberry wives, that laid two or three great strawberries at the mouth of their pot, and all the rest were little ones; so they made her two or three good prizes of the first particulars, but fell straightways."

20. Queen Elizabeth used to say of her instructions to great officers, "That they were like to garments, strait at the first putting on, but did by and by wear loose enough."

21. A great officer at court, when my lord of Essex was first in trouble; and that he and those

that dealt for him would talk much of my lord's | hereafter. But the lord treasurer said, "Why, I friends, and of his enemies, answered to one of them, pray you, if you had lost your purse by the way, "I will tell you, I know but one friend and one would you look forwards, or would you look back?. enemy my lord hath, and that one friend is the The queen hath lost her purse." queen, and that one enemy is himself."

22. The book for deposing king Richard the second, and the coming in of Henry the fourth, supposed to be written by Dr. Hayward, who was committed to the Tower for it, had much incensed queen Elizabeth; and she asked Mr. Bacon, being then of her counsel learned, "Whether there were any treason contained in it ?" Who intending to do him a pleasure, and to take off the queen's bitter- | ness with a merry conceit, answered, "No, Madam, for treason I cannot deliver an opinion that there is any, but very much felony." The queen, apprehending it gladly, asked, "How? and wherein ?" Mr. Bacon answered, "Because he had stolen many of his sentences and conceits out of Cornelius Tacitus."

23. Queen Elizabeth being to resolve upon a great officer, and being by some, that canvassed for others, put in some doubt of that person whom she meant to advance, called for Mr. Bacon, and told him, "She was like one with a lanthorn seeking a man;" and seemed unsatisfied in the choice she had of a man for that place. Mr. Bacon answered her, "That he had heard that in old time there was usually painted on the church walls the day of doom, and God sitting in judgment, and St. Michael by him, with a pair of balances; and the soul and the good deeds in the one balance, and the faults and the evil deeds in the other: and the soul's balance went up far too light. Then was our lady painted with a great pair of beads, who cast them into the light balance, and brought down the scale: so, he said, place and authority, which were in her majesty's hands to give, were like our lady's beads, which though men, through any imperfections, were too light before, yet when they were cast in, made weight competent."

24. Queen Elizabeth was dilatory enough in suits, of her own nature; and the lord treasurer Burleigh being a wise man, and willing therein to feed her humour, would say to her; "Madam, you do well to let suitors stay; for I shall tell you, bis dat, qui cito dat;' if you grant them speedily, they will come again the sooner."

25. Sir Nicholas Bacon, who was keeper of the great seal of England, when queen Elizabeth in her progress came to his house at Gorhambury, and said to him, "My lord, what a little house have you gotten!" answered her, "Madam, my house is well, but it is you that have made me too great for my house."

26. There was a conference in parliament between the lords' house and the house of commons, about a bill of accountants, which came down from the lords to the commons; which bill prayed, That the lands of accountants, whereof they were seized when they entered upon their office, might be liable to their arrears to the queen. But the commons desired, That the bill might not look back to accountants that were already, but extend only to accountants

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27. The lord keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by my lord of Leicester concerning two persons whom the queen seemed to think well of: "By my troth, my lord, said he, the one is a grave counsellor; the other is a proper young man; and so he will be as long as he lives."

28. My lord of Leicester, favourite to queen Elizabeth, was making a large chace about Cornbury-park; meaning to enclose with posts and rails; and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to. Mr. Goldingham, a free spoken man, stood by, and said to my lord, "Methinks your lordship goeth not the cheapest way to work." 'Why, Goldingham ?" said my lord. Marry, my lord," said Goldingham, 66 count you but upon

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the posts, for the country will find you railing."
29. The lord keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was
asked his opinion by queen Elizabeth of one of
these monopoly licences ? And he answered,
Madam, will you have me speak the truth?
Licentia omnes deteriores sumus." We are all the
worse for licences.

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30. My lord of Essex, at the succour of Roan, made twenty-four knights, which at that time was a great number. Divers of those gentlemen were of weak and small means; which when queen Elizabeth heard, she said, "My lord might have done well to have built his alms-house, before he made his knights."

31. The deputies of the reformed religion, after the massacre which was at Paris upon St. Bartholomew's day, treated with the king and queen-mother, and some other of the council, for a peace. Both sides were agreed upon the articles. The question was, upon the security for the performance. After some particulars propounded and rejected, the queenmother said, "Why, is not the word of a king sufficient security ?" One of the deputies answered, "No, by St. Bartholomew, Madam."

32. There was a French gentleman speaking with an English, of the law Salique; that women were excluded from inheriting the crown of France. The English said, "Yes; but that was meant of the women themselves, not of such males as claimed by women." The French gentleman said, "Where do you find that gloss?" The English answered, “I'll tell you, Sir: look on the backside of the record of the law Salique, and there you shall find it indorsed:" implying there was no such thing as the law Salique, but that it is a mere fiction.

33. A friar of France, being in an earnest dispute about the law Salique, would needs prove it by Scripture; citing that verse of the Gospel; "Lilia agri non laborant neque nent:" the lilies of the field do neither labour nor spin; applying it thus: That the flower-de-luces of France cannot descend, neither to the distaff, nor to the spade: that is, not to a woman, nor to a peasant.

34. When peace was renewed with the French in England, divers of the great counsellors were pre

chamber, "that they were like witches, they could do no hurt, but they could do no good."

sented from the French with jewels: the lord Henry | ladies of queen Elizabeth's privy-chamber and bedHoward, being then earl of Northampton, and a counsellor, was omitted. Whereupon the king said to him, " My lord, how happens it that you have not a jewel as well the rest?" My lord answered, according to the fable in Æsop; "Non sum Gallus, itaque non reperi gemmam."

40. There was a minister deprived for inconformity, who said to some of his friends, "that if they deprived him, it should cost a hundred men's lives." The party understood it, as if, being a turbulent fel35. The same earl of Northampton, then lord low, he would have moved sedition, and complained privy seal, was asked by king James, openly at the of him; whereupon being convented and apposed table, where commonly he entertained the king with upon that speech, he said his meaning was, "that if discourse; the king asked him upon the sudden, | he lost his benefice, he would practise physic, and "My lord, have you not a desire to see Rome ?" | then he thought he should kill a hundred men in My lord privy seal answered, "Yes indeed, Sir." | time." The king said, "And why?" My lord answered, "Because, if it please your majesty, it was the seat of the greatest monarchy, and the seminary of the bravest men of the world, whilst it was heathen: and then, secondly, because afterwards it was the see of so many holy bishops in the primitive church, most of them martyrs." The king would not give it over, but said, " And for nothing else ?" My lord answered, "Yes, if it please your majesty, for two things more: the one, to see him, who, they say, hath so great power to forgive other men their sins, to confess his own sins upon his knees before a chaplain or priest: and the other, to hear antichrist say his creed."

36. Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointed a judge for the northern circuit, and having brought his trials that came before him to such a pass, as the passing of sentence on malefactors, he was by one of the malefactors mightily importuned for to save his life; which when nothing that he had said did avail, he at length desired his mercy on account of kindred. "Prithee," said my lord judge, "how came that in ?" "Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred, that they are not to be separated." Ay, but," replied judge Bacon, "you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged; for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged."

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37. Two scholars and a countryman travelling upon the road, one night lodged all in one inn, and supped together, where the scholars thought to have put a trick upon the countryman, which was thus : the scholars appointed for supper two pigeons, and a fat capon, which being ready was brought up, and they having set down, the one scholar took up one pigeon, the other scholar took the other pigeon, thinking thereby that the countryman should have sat still, until that they were ready for the carving of the capon; which he perceiving, took the capon and laid it on his trencher, and thus said, "Daintily contrived, every man a bird."

38. Jack Roberts was desired by his tailor, when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a bill of his hand. Roberts said, "I am content, but you | must let no man know it." When the tailor brought him the bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, "You use me not well; you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have put in, 'Be it known unto all men by these presents.' 39. Sir Walter Raleigh was wont to say of the

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41. Secretary Bourn's son kept a gentleman's wife in Shropshire, who lived from her husband, with him: when he was weary of her, he caused her husband to be dealt with to take her home, and offered him five hundred pounds for reparation: the gentleman went to Sir H. Sidney to take his advice upon this offer, telling him, "that his wife promised now a new life; and, to tell him truth, five hundred pounds would come well with him; and besides, that sometimes he wanted a woman in his bed." "By my troth," said Sir Henry Sidney, "take her home, and take the money: then whereas other cuckolds wear their horns plain, you may wear yours gilt."

42. When Rabelais, the great jester of France, lay on his death-bed, and they gave him the extreme unction, a familiar friend came to him afterwards, and asked him how he did? Rabelais answered, "Even going my journey, they have greased my boots already."

43. Mr. Bromley, solicitor, giving in evidence for a deed, which was impeached to be fraudulent, was urged by the counsel on the other side with his presumption, That in two former suits, when title was made, that deed was passed over in silence, and some other conveyance stood upon. Mr. Justice Catline taking in with that side asked the solicitor, "I pray thee, Mr. Solicitor, let me ask you a familiar question; I have two geldings in my stable; I have divers times business of importance, and still I send forth one of my geldings, and not the other; would you not think I set him aside for a jade ?" "No, my lord," said Bromley, "I would think you spared him for your own saddle."

44. Thales, as he looked upon the stars, fell towards water; whereupon it was after said, "that if he had looked into the water he might have seen the stars, but looking up to the stars he could not see the water."

45. A man and his wife in bed together, she towards morning pretended herself to be ill at ease, desiring to lie on her husband's side; so the good man, to please her, came over her, making some short stay in his passage over; where she had not long lain, but desired to lie in her old place again : quoth he, "How can it be effected ?" She answered, "Come over me again." "I had rather," said he, "go a mile and a half about."

46. A thief being arraigned at the bar for stealing a mare, in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf, and at last nothing availing, he told the

bench, the mare rather stole him, than he the mare; which in brief he thus related: That passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions, he was pursued close by a fierce mastiff dog, and so was forced to save himself by leaping over a hedge, which being of an agile body he effected; and in leaping, a mare standing on the other side of the hedge, leaped upon her back, who running furiously away with him, he could not by any means stop her, until he came to the next town, in which town the owner of the mare lived, and there was he taken, and here arraigned.

47. Master Mason of Trinity college sent his pupil to another of the fellows, to borrow a book of him, who told him, “I am loth to lend my books out of my chamber, but if it please thy tutor to come and read upon it in my chamber, he shall as long as he will." It was winter, and some days after the same fellow sent to Mr. Mason to borrow his bellows; but Mr. Mason said to his pupil, "I am loth to lend my bellows out of my chamber, but if thy tutor would come and blow the fire in my chamber, he shall as long as he will."

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48. A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, "I charge you in the king's name, to seize and take away that man (meaning the judge) in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him.”

49. In Flanders by accident a Flemish tiler fell from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, and killed him, though he escaped himself: the next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence, and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him but lex talionis: whereupon the judge said to him, " that if he did urge that sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top of the house, and then fall down upon the tiler."

50. A rough-hewn seaman, being brought before a wise just-ass for some misdemeanour, was by him sent away to prison, and being somewhat refractory after he heard his doom, insomuch as he would not stir a foot from the place where he stood, saying, "it were better to stand where he was than go to a worse place" the justice thereupon, to show the strength of his learning, took him by the shoulder, | and said, "Thou shalt go nogus vogus," instead of nolens volens.

51. Francis the first of France used for his pleasure sometimes to go disguised: so walking one day in the company of the cardinal of Bourbon near Paris, he met with a peasant with a new pair of shoes upon his arm: so he called unto him and said; "By our lady, these be good shoes, what did they cost thee?" The peasant said, "Guess." The king said, "I think some five sols." Saith the peasant, "You have lied; but a carlois." "What, villain," said the cardinal of Bourbon, "thou art dead, it is the king." The peasant replied; "The devil take him of you and me, that knew so much." 52. There was a young man in Rome that was very like Augustus Cæsar; Augustus took knowledge of him, and sent for the man, and asked him,

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53. A physician advised his patient that had sore eyes, that he should abstain from wine; but the patient said, "I think, rather, Sir, from wine and water; for I have often marked it in blue eyes, and I have seen water come forth, but never wine."

54. A debauched seaman being brought before a justice of the peace upon the account of swearing, was by the justice commanded to deposit his fine in that behalf provided, which was two shillings; he thereupon plucking out of his pocket half a crown, asked the justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing; the justice told him six-pence; quoth he, "Then a pox take you all for a company of knaves and fools, and there's half a crown for you, I will never stand changing of money."

55. Augustus Cæsar was invited to supper by one of his old friends, that had conversed with him in his less fortunes, and had but ordinary entertainment; whereupon at his going away, he said, “I did not know that you and I were so familiar."

56. Agathocles, after he had taken Syracuse, the men whereof, during the siege, had in a bravery spoken of him all the villany that might be, sold the Syracusans for slaves, and said; "Now if you use such words of me, I will tell your masters of you."

57. Dionysius the elder, when he saw his son in many things very inordinate, said to him, “Did you ever know me do such things?" His son answered, "No, but you had not a tyrant to your father." The father replied, "No, nor you, if you take these courses, will have a tyrant to your son."

58. Callisthenes, the philosopher, that followed Alexander's court, and hated the king, being asked by one, how one should become the famousest man in the world, answered, "By taking away him that is."

59. Agesilaus, when one told him there was one did excellently counterfeit a nightingale, and would have had him hear him, said; "Why I have heard the nightingale herself."

60. A great nobleman, upon the complaint of a servant of his, laid a citizen by the heels, thinking to bend him to his servant's desire; but the fellow being stubborn, the servant came to his lord, and told him, "Your lordship, I know, hath gone as far as well you may, but it works not; for yonder fellow is more perverse than before." Said my lord, "Let's forget him a while, and then he will remember himself."

Saith

61. One came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him, that he had brought his lordship a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. the cardinal to him, " I'll tell thee what thou shalt do; go to such a cardinal, and such a cardinal," naming him half a dozen cardinals, and tell them as much; and so whereas by thy horse, if he had been sound, thou couldest have pleased but one, with thy lame horse thou mayest please half a dozen."

62. A witty rogue coming into a lace-shop, said, he had occasion for some lace; choice whereof being showed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them, how much they would have

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