O'CONNOR (ardently) Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani! ROSY (in great excitement) He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward! JUSTICE CREDULOUS (rising heavily) The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the (with a glance up at the indignant Lauretta) girl. (Aside to his wife) And that I am sure he never will! ROSY (pompously to O'Connor) O'CONNOR Writhum bothum! [He produces ink-horn, paper and quill. ROSY (dipping the quill) He says you must give this under your hand (the Justice dazedly takes paper and quill), while he writes you a miraculous receipt. [He turns his back to O'Connor, who, producing another quill, puts paper against his back and writes. Seeing this, the Justice pounces on his wife and writes against her back: she very angry! LAURETTA (still in the doorway) Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. MRS. BRIDGET Don't speak to me, girl! Unnatural parent! JUSTICE (waving the scribbled sheet eagerly) And here's your receipt: read it yourself. JUSTICE CREDULOUS Hey! what's here? Plain English! ROSY Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I'll answer for it. JUSTICE CREDULOUS (reads) In reading this- you are cured by your affectionate son-in-law, O'Connor. Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are you? [Rosy and Mrs. Bridget draw up-stage, watching with mixed emotions. Lauretta gives a little shriek. O'CONNOR (sweeping off his disguise, down to that of Humphrey) Your affectionate son-in-law, O'Connor, and your very humble servant, Humphrey Hum. JUSTICE CREDULOUS 'Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I'll be poisoned again, and you shall be hanged: I'll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my estate. [Glaring into O'Connor's face. MRS. BRIDGET (only restrained by Doctor Rosy from bursting down-stage) Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I'm sure he deserves to be hanged. JUSTICE CREDULOUS (diverted; passionately) He does, you say? Hark'ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am resolved never SCENE FROM THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT AS PRODUCED AT THE JOHN HERRON ART INSTITUTE, The characters from left to right are Doctor Rosy, Lieutenant O'Connor, Lauretta, Justice Credulous, and to take your advice again in anything! (Mollified by this outburst, he turns back to O'Connor and sees that he has, to Lauretta's great delight, stripped off Humphrey Hum's smock and displayed his uniform) So, do you hear, sir: you are an Irishman and a soldier, aren't you? O'CONNOR (bowing low, as he completes his transformation to his first, Lieutenant's, guise) I am, sir, and proud of both! JUSTICE CREDULOUS The two things on earth I most hate! So I tell you what: renounce your country and sell your commission, and I'll forgive you. O'CONNOR (stepping up to him, soldierly) - were not the Hark'ee, Mr. Justice, if you father of my beloved Lauretta (raising his arms to her in invitation to descend), I would pull your nose for asking the first and break your bones for desiring the second. [Lauretta darts into his arms. ROSY (warmly, from the rear) Ay, ay, you're right! JUSTICE CREDULOUS (disconcerted) Is he? Then I'm sure I must be wrong! (Sees O'Connor kiss his daughter before his eyes) You are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life! O'CONNOR (happily) Oh, sir, say what you please! With such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a compliment! [The Justice shakes his head, beaten, turning front. MRS. BRIDGET (coming down right, tartly) Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the rest of our lives. |