"You see," observed the traveler, And can't pull off my hose." "All right," replied the waiter, "Tis well," resumed the traveler, I'm like a case of glass," said he, And as he spoke, he ope'd his mouth And thrust his fingers in the hole,- And out there rolled two sets of teeth, "Now, waiter, just unscrew my arm, But don't look so alarmed; I'm helpless as a sailing ship Upon a sea becalmed; And when my arm you've taken off The waiter, in astonishment, Upon the traveler gazed; He thought so strange a stranger But when he saw the arm come off But fear held fast the waiter, And, putting on a serious look, In solemn accents said, "There's one thing more to do Before I get in bed; Steady yourself against the wall And just unscrew my head." -Fowler Bradnack. CLXXXV.-THE TEST OF PATIENCE. A PARSON in a country town, while preaching, His congregation, and, in short, Discourse so much of Job, and how he bore, Meaning, I think, 't is very plain, That, since we give ourselves unnecessary pain, Would try a different plan? And not, when tortured by the gout, "That 't is in human nature to endure The extreme of woe Which Job did undergo? 'Tis more than you Or I could do, I'm sure." Quoth he, "My dear, your diffidence Shows, let me tell you, right good sense, I do conceive that I, myself, have shown To Job alone." Thus spoke the modest priest, And, doubtless, would have said much more His clownish servant Numps; His eyes, wide open, on the parson gazing, Just like the wight That drew old Priam's curtains in the night, To tell him Troy was blazing. "Well, what's the matter, Numps? Speak out, why look so pale? And then the parson's phiz began to lower. I chanced to touch the cask, and away rolled he, Throw ashes on his head and rend his robe? He to the man addressed this mild oration, "You stupid fool, you brute, you bear!" (The best of priests, 't is said, will sometimes swear,) "So you must meddle, must you, With the cask? and be cursed to you! I wish your fingers had been burnt, od rot 'em! Get down the stairs this instant, wretch, Or else, by Jupiter, I'll kick you down From top to bottom!" Nay, nay," exclaimed the dame, “Where's all your patience? Fie, for shame! Remember Job was not so vexed, Though he had sons and daughters to bewail.” Plague take Job's sons and daughters, if you choose; A barrel of such ale?" CLXXXVI. THE DIRECTOR'S VISIT; OR, A WARNING TO SCHOOL-MASTERS. You know my darter Nancy is an uncommon smart gal; she takes to larnin' as nateral as a goslin takes to water, and she can git her lessons faster than I can chaw terbacker. I've been sendin' her to the new teacher we hired last term, and she was larnin' some new-fangled notions that's never been taught in these parts afore. One night she was a tellin' me that the teacher had been explainin' to her that the sun neither rose nor set. Then I thought it was time for me to go down to the school-house and find out about it. So the next mornin' I went down afore school took up, and found the teacher a-standin' in the door. Says I, "Howd'ye?" He was very polite, and invited me into the school-house. So I went in; but when I thought of what he'd been teachin' it riled me up. So says I, "Mr. McQuillister, we've employed you to larn our young 'uns, haint we?" He said he would consent to that preposition. "Well," says I, "what's all this rigamarole about 'stronomy and stuff; about the sun not risin' nor settin'; about the yearth turnin' upside down every day, and sich like infidel stuff you've been puttin' into the heads of your scholars?” Then says he, "come to the blackboard, and I'll draw you a diaphragm of the solar cistern and explain it to you so that you can readily understand it." So he drew a big |