New-York Literary Gazette. which I often travelled, in my youthful days,

To Peter Paragraph, Esq. PETER,-You and your crony, the snufftaking lover, make a great ado about your noses, and you both deserve to have them pulled for your trouble, (no doubt it would be to your trouble) for pray tell me, most plaintive Peter, is it not highly unbecoming two such philosophical worthies to lament over any thing which is irremediable? Nay, what business have either of you to complain at all, when each must in conscience say

to the hill of science, where the white piles of Union College gleam in the sunlight from afar. That road, Peter, always used to reseemed as if it had no end. Every house mind me of the definition of eternity, for it on it was a tavern, and every tavern was a half-way house, and consequently, the road presented the astonishing phenomenon of an approximation to a place decreasing in an inverse ratio to the increase of the space passed over in journeying to the same spot! I cannot take it upon me to say that Kepler ever travelled upon this road, for Kepler was dead before it was made; but it must have been some turnpike in Germany similar to this, which first suggested to him the famous rule in astronomy which immortalizes his name. To be sure, his rule is somewhat different from that which I discovered by far the greater discovery, for his rule on the Schenectady road, but I deem mine can be comprehended and understood, whereas mine is incomprehensible and obscure-now whatever is obscure is sublime, and whatever is sublime is great-consequently mine is a great discovery.

"the evils I have borne are of the tree Of mine own planting." Who, before these confessions, ever heard of a man's making love to a romantic girl, with a snuff-box for his auxiliary? He might as well attempt to " look unutterable things" through a pair of green spectacles, and to "madly rend his hair" with a wig on his head, which the first pull would dislodge, and leave him to "scud under bare poll" before the storm of ridicule and laughter. And what was it but an act of unexampled vanity in your sagacious self, with a figure like the tower of Pisa, to attempt Ah! Peter Paragraph, if you had ever dancing? It was a deed of rashness that travelled on that road, we should have will never be equalled until an alderman never heard your lamentations about your shall attempt to run a foot-race, or a politi-would have been merged in the memory of nose; the misery of which you complain cian shall act with candour and singleness of heart. Therefore, Peter, let us hear no more of your doleful lamentations-take my advice and Peter will be "himself again;" get into another scrape as soon as may be, and stipulate that your antagonist shall pared to the tale of these calamities,— lodge his bullet amongst the ribs on your "Quæ-que ipse miserrima vidi right side-this of course will straighten Et quorum pars magna fui."you again, and with this addition to the lead These half-way houses might with much with which nature has gifted your head, you more propriety be called half-starve will be a man of some weight in society, and houses. I verily believe that the chickens of an upright character. There is but one on that route are five years old when they consideration which should induce you to are hatched; that they are benevolently hesitate in following this counsel, which I permitted to enjoy the light of the sun ten will frankly state-should you at any time years longer, and are then guillotined and be hanged, your body will not sell for more served up at meals, full of years and than half price; for although you will do feathers. I never yet saw a juvenile fowl well enough for dissection, you will never on that road-the cocks that strut about the make a respectable skeleton, with your bro-barn-yards have a venerable air of antiquity ken ribs.

the greater calamities which would have beset you there. The long and whining story of mishaps which the blubbering Eneas narrated to the pitying Dido, is nothing com

about them; there is a sedateness in the flap of their wings, and a faint, melancholy, Nestor-like sound in their crow.

It may be true that you were "once as straight as the Schenectady turnpike;" certain it is, that you are as long and as tedious The first time I dined at a half-way hous in your narrative as that interesting road on is a memorable event in my life. I had bee

"And suppose he does kick, pray what have you to fear, when you stand by his head you never saw a horse kick forwards, did you?"

"No," he drawled, and reluctantly advanced to the horse's head.

I marched into the bar-room-there sat a man in the chimney corner, whom I knew at once to be the landlord, by that je ne sais quoi air which always designates men of his calling. "Landlord," said I, “send your man, or go yourself, to take care of my horse."

"I do'nt keep a man-and people hereabouts a'nt above tyin' their horses under the shed themselves."

a member of college for about three weeks, at the time. It was winter-I had got a fit of the blues (which is a wonderful thing in a student) and I determined to take a drive to Albany, and see what the legislature was about. So I chartered a horse and pung, which seemed to have entered into articles of agreement to assist each other; the horse pulling the pung on a level, and the pung pushing the horse down hill-in going up hill it was generally necessary to call in the assistance of a third party, in the shape of a very genteel whip with a long snapper. My Bucephalus had a villanous trick of stopping when about half-way up hill, and looking round in my face to inquire whether I did not agree with him in the opinion that it would be advisable to pause and rest for a while. In addition, he had a vile habit of stopping at every tavern, which was also surprising, as he was generally hired by the students of my Alma Mater, who never could have led him into such a practice. When did vanity or self-importance ever However, a whip will cure horses, as well get the victory over avarice? The prosas men, of bad behaviour; and by a judi-pect of a dinner's profits sent this son of incious application of my snapper to his right dependence, in all his freeborn dignity, to ear, my steed was induced to travel on the the horse-shed. turnpike as an honest man travels through life, straight forward.

Well, as I happen not to live hereabouts, and as I do not choose to be below my business, I advise you not to be above yours-so your dignity must either put my horse under the shed, or I shall drive on to the next tavern for my dinner."

Little did I know how much majesty I was treating so unceremoniously-I afterwards learned that be was a colonel of militia and a justice of the peace! He was much better fitted for an overseer, for he was tall enough to look over the whole town at once.

I had measured about seven miles of the road, which, by the rule above-mentioned, placed Albany three miles farther from me than it was when I started, and I resolved I ordered dinner and walked into a sort to fortify myself for the remainder of my journey with a good dinner. I drove up, of state-room, while the landlady was mapretty smartly, to the door of a large half-king her preparations. One of the winway house, cracking my whip in a very dows opened upon the yard, where I saw a buckish style, in order to impress all who might be within hearing with an idea that I was not nobody. My boy," said I to a ragged little rascal whom the music of my whip-lash had charmed to the door, "send me the ostler, my boy."-The rogue stared and showed no signs of compliance, appa-him start and run off at full speed, and the rently ignorant of my meaning.

"Where is the man that takes care of the horses," said I, defining the word which puzzled him, with Johnsonian accuracy.

"We ha'nt got no horses❞— "Psha-you are either too much of a fool or a knave for me to gain any thing by questioning you-here, stand by my horse while I go into the house."

"Wo'nt he kick, Mr.?"

solitary game-cock, sauntering carelessly upon the hard snow, and apparently in deep contemplation. He was probably musing on the days of his youth, when his soul was chivalrous, (I am a Pythagorean,) and his crest was proud and high. Presently I saw

little ragged boy in hot pursuit. For some time it was "pull rooster, pull rascal," but the "bipes implumis" at length caught the inglorious fugitive, for as youth easily outstrips, it more easily overtakes age.

After musing awhile on the mischievous disposition of the boy, in seeking sport by worrying and tormenting the poor fowl, I turned to contemplate my landlord's stylish

sand, whereon several strange and gro- chicken" seemed capable of tough resisttesque figures were described, amongst ance—it was absolutely of the consistence which a man of fanciful mind might have of sole-leather. A horrid suspicion crossed discovered resemblances to hippogriffs, cen- my mind." Boy," said I, "how old was taurs, and gorgons. On the walls hung this chicken?"-The rascal grinned most pictures, representing the history of that mischievously-" Is not this the old game sad fellow, "the prodigious son," together cock that I saw you chasing about the yard with portraits of King Philip and Napoleon not an hour ago? Answer me, you young on horseback. The stern forest-monarch rogue, or"-I was about to throw the plate stood frowning by the side of the prodigal's and its contents in his grinning face, but he 16 Yes," and I banquet, while on the opposite side the Cor- saved himself by a prompt sican hero seemed about to impel his war- had the satisfaction to know that I had been steed amongst the swine, to partake whose attempting to masticate an old fowl, whose meal the riotous waster had crossed the spurs were as long as a Grecian javelin, and who, for aught I know, might have been room as soon as myself. my host's grandfather.

At length (Peter, I pray you to show no impatience at my prolixity, for, like you, I choose to tell my story in my own way,) the door was opened and in came my dinner.

First came the landlady with a large tray, followed by the young rogue already mentioned, who seemed to unite in his own person the separate duties of idler, hunter, and

waiter.

“Well, landlady,” said I, "I hope you have provided me a good dinner, for I am as hungry as a harpy." I might have spared my simile, for the good woman had never read Virgil, and it was lost on her.

"We always provides good dinners in our house," said mine hostess-" a nice shoulder of mutton and a tender young pullet is good enough meat for the best of folks."

"And as I am none of the best of folks, I assure you it will satisfy me; I shall dine like a prince, I have no doubt."

Having arranged every thing, the landlady retired, leaving the boy to wait upon me. I took my seat at the table, prepared to go through a long chapter in the science of eating. I was always fond of chicken, and I determined to attack the tender pullet forthwith.

However, I was not yet in the situation of Tom Moore's Hafed

"of all hope bereft,"

A shoulder of mutton "still was left,"

and I began instantly to pay my attentions to it. But, alas! toughness seemed to be proportioned to size in my host's eatables, and the consistence of the mutton might Direct; the question would stand thus-If have been ascertained by the Rule of Three a rooster weighing ten pounds be as tough as an old pair of cow-skin boots, how tough will a sheep weighing a hundred pounds be?

You must know, Peter, that I never liked sheep. I have never felt sheepish in all my life, and nothing but real hunger would have induced me to touch the mutton-had it been a sheep of middle age, I might have made out my dinner, but as it was, I might as well have attempted to eat the world-sustaining shoulder of Atlas himself. I gave up in despair.

"Have you got nothing else that's eatable in the house?" said I

"No."

"Then go and tell the landlord to come here directly."

The important personage made his ap

"I call it a very decent sort of a dinner for one that's been got ready in such a hurry."

“My boy, place that chicken before me." | pearance. He did so. .. I was rather surprised at its Landlord, what sort of a dinner do you great size, but I concluded that it was of call this?" the "big breed fowls," and proceeded to dissection, cursing the dull knife, with which my progress was very slow. I helped myself to a " flyer," and to my still greater surprise discovered that my teeth had also become amazingly dull, although my carving or rather sawing, had set them on an edge. I persevered, but the "tender

"Oh, no doubt: pray is that mutton of your own raising?"

"Yes, and though I say it, that should'nt say it, I call that real good mutton."

"Good? is it? then the ancient poet tells